both of us

In an LA bar....

Sun, 21 Jun 2009 08:25:32 GMT

All the way across the country. 3000 miles away, and still a picture can ruin a whole night. Still, one person's inconsiderate nature affects me no matter how hard I try to deny or fight against it. I can't help but feel weak, with these ways that you affect me.

When will you see that?

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Thu, 28 May 2009 23:01:19 GMT

i wonder if things could get any worse.

oh wait, of course they can. they already did.

it's never too late

Sun, 26 Apr 2009 22:33:52 GMT

usher - bad girl
t.i. - dead and gone
mariah carey - touch my body
50 cent - just a lil bit
jamie foxx - blame it
timbaland - apologize

These are the songs I am listening to while I attempt to write my conference papers. It is 92 degrees in new york today. Which, while exciting, reminds me of last summer's heatwave and my lack of AC. I am feeling the pressure of time, caving in on me, threatening to smother me entirely. I'm hoping graduation will be worth all of this ridiculous stress and bullshit. I'm in the library, sweating like a pig, trying to focus when my mind keeps wandering to entirely inappropriate subjects.

My newest guilty pleasure is downloading radio hits for free online. I never knew about the secret world of searching on google for 'free mp3's' but it has quickly changed my entire life.

I wrote a piece for one of my classes, about the Laramie Project, my senior year of high school, and my tragic inability to think ahead when I submitted a very personal piece about leaving a man to be with a woman I loved for the GSA literary journal, which was then disseminated to every audience member on opening night. Kiah is all over it. Her smile from across the stage, looking out at me from the rows of seats, smiling me and remembering together how we took on the whole world to fall in love. How beautiful it was, how unprecedented. My professor really liked my prose style. It was so infused with Kiah- it made me so proud. I was proud. That's a pretty nice feeling. yeah, it's pretty nice.

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 13:30:06 GMT

The F train smelled like complete shit this morning.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

what i knew was left behind

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 02:35:31 GMT

well there are always things to say right?
the last time i wrote in this it was the end of july. my legal aid internship was over and i was done dating nicole. i had one month left at 116 lincoln place and my senior year to begin. it continues to near the end. i am in my dorm room, perhaps the last dorm room i will ever call home. and i miss shar terribly, wish i didn't have to go through this part without her.

i have been printing excessively in order to avoid my feelings surrounding this coming month of february. i hate time. the way it passes so nonchalantly. like it doesn't even think of us. all of us on all of these different points around the earth; with things changing that may hinge upon a month.

february

i'm not ready. i've never been ready to say goodbye. i've never been ready to grieve. i wasn't ready to let go of her coffin and accept or understand that i was allowing her face to fade from view forever. what happened between us haunts me. and it was such a basic and natural part of such an epic friendship. but our timing was all off, much like the rest of my life, and now such a simple thing has changed everything and has made coping with this so much more difficult. so painful and some part of me will always feel guilty. i should've been there and i wasn't. however will i come to terms with that? how will i ever be ready to accept this?

they say with every broken heart we should become more adventerous

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:46:24 GMT

There are of course moments when the pain is unbearable.
When there is just nothing you can do to manage the ache of your heart.
You have to allow the sobs to rack your body and you have to remain true to what you feel.
Coming out of the wave of denial is probably the hardest.
Everything was okay, and now it’s not.
It is literally that abrupt.
There are no signs, there are no warnings, grief comes about as randomly as death.
And it’s like experiencing the whole thing over again.

I don’t know what to do with myself.
I have so much stored up inside of me, so much inside of my heart that it’s almost ready to rip the seams.
You can’t always get what you want, huh?
As I sink deeper into this hole of sadness and anger, the more I realize I’m losing myself, the less I recognize the person I am when I look into the mirror.
I have lost half of myself and it tells on my face.
You can read it in my dreams.
My dreams that are full of such fantasy.
Fantasies that will never be reality, dreams that can never be true.

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 20:18:30 GMT

it is much easier to continue to love the people you already love. you know how they will dissapoint you and falling in love is really scary. even just going outside in the world and trying to be a human is scary. trying to make the jump to connect with someone else is painful and uncomfortable and if you already have someone to love why try it all over again? even if they do really very seriously treat you like shit- at least then you don't have to get hurt all fresh and new.

move away already.

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 03:04:25 GMT

"prime numbers are what is left when you have taken all the patterns away. i think prime numbers are like life. they are very logical but you could never work out the rules, even if you spent all your time thinking about them."

today is michael everhart's birthday. how strange. i wonder what he is doing. i wonder if he is as different today as i am.

i have more mosquito bites than i can possibly scratch- tonight i must sleep with clothes on.

can something really be only and all one person's fault? is that placing blame or being realistic?

i like taking the Q train. it goes above ground to cross the river. sometimes it's really nice to be reminded there is "above ground" and that we don't have to live our lives always in the darkness of tunnels.

i start stories and i stop stories. and often i never even finish stories. they meander at the back of my mind waiting for answers my life probably won't ever know.

i digress. at night, the train leaves the tunnel and still it is engulfed in darkness. but i believe it is a different darkness because the train enters into it and rides along not on it's own terms. the darkness of the tunnels is made to keep light out, in the tunnel the trains make the rules. they glide along tracks that have never seen the sun.

i really love books that force you to think different. you put it down and you may forget about it for the moment, but somehow without your noticing the narrator, the author, has snuck in. and all of their idiosyncrasies for a while become your own. and often it can be a wholly out of body experience. almost as if you are living and breathing as someone else momentarily. your own words fumble and fall and fit into place on the page much the same way their words did. how strange. what a bizarre intimacy it is, with such a far off stranger- either someone who doesn't exist in this world or someone you most likely will never meet, let alone be intimate with.

bizarre.

a very violent flight

Sun, 04 May 2008 15:19:53 GMT

    i'm somewhat nostalgic. just passing the time. i can feel time closing in upon my chest. about to crash through my ligaments, tendons, through my bones and heart. boom boom boom. bam. crash crash crash.
    cracking along these beautiful edges. crack crack crack. i'm cracking apart. it's another gloomy day and i have too much work and i don't care the way that i should. i feel permanently damaged. i am damaged. i have been damaged and i have damaged myself. and i don't know what it means to heal. do you know how to heal yourself? because i do not and i am trying to learn but i am clumsy and i can't make it work. it won't work for me. nothing can work right now.
    i don't know what i'm doing or what any of these metaphors mean. i think i'm just making them up, grasping for something stronger than my weak mind to hold on to reality with. because i feel myself cracking up and slipping away. away away away. where are you going? maybe to the same place i'm headed. i really hope not. i don't even know who you are yet. and what i want looked so simple at the beginning of my life. and now it has changed shape and size so many times i don't recognize what i want from the things i hate or the things i don't need. i don't recognize myself from someone else anymore. i hurt and wish i could tell you i had it together enough to explain to you why.

just a touch of sadness in his fingers

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 05:26:55 GMT

    Maybe certain pieces of a person's life aren't meant to fall in place. Maybe half the point is that this is a puzzle that cannot be put together. And maybe you're lucky enough to only have a couple of pieces damaged by the ring of water from your glass, sitting on the table. Maybe one piece fell under a couch somewhere when your cat pushed it off the table looking for something to play with. Maybe you'll never even know you've lost anything. I don't really know what to hope for. Maybe it's more, I don't know where to put my hope.
    It could be about driving over the same bridge four times. Feeling complicated and confused. Twisted up inside. It could be that. It could be about love. About the way those syrupy words sound, falling from your mouth like snow- muffling the world, making everything soft and quiet and numb. Peaceful, if you think about it. What a ridiculous concept.
    Hell, I'm probably just insecure. In fact, I know that I am. And I know that I am self-destructive and I know that I always like to have socks on. I know that I have made mistakes. I know that I am loved and that I am loving others. I know that fake sugar tastes so fucking good. I know that my friends are my whole world. I know that the small space I inhabit in this infinity is perfectly fine with me. I know that we die. I know how to stare death in the eye, now. I know that I can face an empty space that threatens to take over who I am. I know that I am happy, while simultaneously asking so many questions, that perhaps take away from that. I know what I value. I'm learning what I'm worth.

Sat, 19 Apr 2008 19:18:34 GMT

everyday it will feel like she died yesterday

there is a way, there is a way you can save me from this

Thu, 14 Feb 2008 06:42:39 GMT

it's been so long.

it's been so long.

something about this journal makes me feel connected when i feel disconnected. i feel disconnected. one thing i've never been is indecisive. but this past week has found me completely perplexed. what are you really supposed to do when your heart and your head actually speak two different languages? i know that was possibly one of the most cliche things i've ever written, but i do feel like it's one of those cliche's that never actually gets answered. and it needs an answer.
i found a way, to communicate between the furthest parts of myself. but it is a constant strain. it means that you are constantly bracing yourself for the moment when you can't connect them anymore. i to be honest i don't know if i just found a way to do that or if my moment just came and i am now broken. but i know that i am alone, in ways i have not had to be for a very long and i know that i am scared.

i know that i am scared.

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 13:47:43 GMT

she just might get you lost
and she just might leave you torn
but she just might save your soul
if she gets you
when she gets you
any closer.

why are you scared to dream of god?

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 17:47:11 GMT

Well, november is almost over. and everyone out there in that country that i usually inhabit must be home for the holidays. I don't mind missing thanksgiving at all, needless to say it's hardly my holiday.

My time here is dwindling and this fact hasn't been helping my panic attacks at all. Reading Gut Symmetries again hasn't really been helping either. It really plunges into you in a pretty painful way and forces you to struggle through it all. I feel like that is what's been happening to me recently; being forced to struggle my way through my own gut, my own blood. I went to Barcelona and none of my shit got stolen. I was really proud. I went and met Andre there. it was so much fun, absolutely unbelievable. Nice to be around someone who loves me and knows me beyond the here and now. Even with all the impermanence in the world it's nice to remember that there was a time before this one, that there was indeed a past before now.

I've been blocked with writing recently.... i don't know what else i have to say.

makes me wonder if i ever gave a fuck about you

Wed, 03 Oct 2007 12:16:43 GMT

if only words were so easy for me to grapple with these days. i find myself mute in a world of language. tomorrow i am flying to spain. to seville to be exact. i'm excited and nervous and sad to be gone from florence for the second weekend in a row. but i know that it will be worth it. milan was absolutely amazing- so much fun- like a mixture between boston and new york. the people were beautiful and dressed so well but in a genuine way. it was a gay breath of fresh air for me. i even bought a pair of diesel jeans i definitely couldn't afford.

otherwise things are complicated- i've been sleeping more and more, mostly because i'm taking these intense drugs to get rid of my never-ending cold. i wake up, get on the bus, go to class, get back on the bus, go home, sleep, eat dinner, sleep and then wake up again. that's pretty much been the schedule of this week.

i've been perpetually trying to think of the secret i want to send in to postsecret. i know i have one, but none of my postcards have seemed right yet. i guess i just have to keep waiting.

there are so many tourists and it's hard for me to keep my wits about me. i hope it's easier for everyone else out there to remember who they are, because i seem to always be forgetting.

but you can't stay mad at the setting sun

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 11:02:49 GMT

I didn't go to school today.
I'm going to tell everyone that I wasn't feeling well.
It's a total cop out.
I mean maybe I'm still drunk and it's almost one in the afternoon, but I just couldn't bring myself to go to school and sit through italian class for three fucking hours. It's just too much. and every time I leave the house I risk getting entirely lost in a way you can only possibly get lost in Italy.
But I'm learning... i think. And each day that I get lost, it's a little bit easier to find my way.
I've been listening to so much fucking Bright Eyes and Elliott Smith and Maria Taylor. I think it may be one of the strangest musical combinations ever. But they never fail in knowing my mood and the look I must have on my face.
Apparently I give everything away with my eyes.
Did you know that? Because I didn't know that until quite recently.
I've only been here a week and a half and I feel like I've been here forever.
It seems quite impossible that it hasn't been a lifetime yet.
But in this seemingly eternal week, I have learned more about myself than I have in years.
The best thing that could've ever happened to me was being betrayed.
It's set so many important things into perspective. Important important things.
"Endless Love" what bullshit.
I need to get American US weekly's.... I'm dying over here without fucking gossip.
Sometimes I think about Sarah Lawrence and what might be going on in New York and then I remember that it's better to never think about the possibilities, or the situations you left behind. It will only drive you crazy.
Sono patzo.
I've been collecting little cards from restaurants and hotels. It's like having a piece of you in my pocket.
Maybe I'll go get back into bed.

let me try

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 16:46:57 GMT

i've been having serious sleep issues. staying up for hours in the dark. staring up, staring around. trying to close my eyes, push my eyelids over my eyes, but it hurts to keep them closed. how poetic- if i were a poet. it hurts to lie in the dark alone, on a mattress that isn't the one i grew up on.

maybe it's better, to be sleeping on something harder.

enough.

Wed, 18 Jul 2007 16:12:35 GMT

the sky looks like it's going to open up and devour the world. today is one of those days when i don't care anything at all about camp or the kids or myself. it's one of those days when the confusion of my heart sets in too deeply to see past anything else. i don't think my medicine is working.

THE DRUGS DON'T WORK. god fucking damn it.

where am i and more importantly where are you? why do i need you so badly when you're not here? i hope you're not dead.

fuck it, i can't think at all. i'm homesick homesick homesick.

his mother cried in bed.

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 08:12:01 GMT

i'm leaving another place, again. it's getting tiring and i have to do it so many more times. living out of a suitcase can wear a person down. it's wearing me down.

i'm so homesick for new york. even just talking to my friends there drives me crazy with missing them and the city and the sounds and the tastes, all of it. i crave it all.

john and i take off for camp tomorrow- i'm nervous and excited and ready to go but also sad that i have to be away from the people i love all summer (except john and car). i'm interested to see how this summer turns out. i wonder what it will be like to experience the mountain in such an entirely different way. i'm ready to get a new perspective, maybe see things clearly for the first time, up on that mountain top. i will face closed doors and i won't run.

and best of all i think i'm ready.

this time in durham has been scattered and strange and i'm really just tired of such overstimulation all the time. it makes me want to cry for no reason and give people a hard time who really don't deserve it. i've seen the people most important to me, and that's about it. it's been clean and clear cut, but that almost makes it so un-durham like. perhaps my life is finally uncomplicating a bit. that would be a surprising but welcome turn. although perhaps i speak to soon?

Fri, 18 May 2007 19:21:50 GMT

wow.

i didn't know that this game we were playing even had a set of rules.

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 00:05:17 GMT

there's nothing quite as humbling as feeling like an idiot in front of someone you are perpetually trying to impress. these days it seems like everyone's really caught up in what everyone else thinks. am i one of those people?

i love rhetorical questions asked on an internet journal that no one reads.

this weekend was fucked up. i think. and not really in the angry way, it just was. fucked up. weird- bizarre- inexplicable really. i rapped in front of a huge crowd of people (i know ridiculous) and hated on guys a bit more than usual. got a free pair of jeans and felt hella sick and sleepy a lot. got frustrated and thought i might vomit all over the fucking confettied floor. all in a solid three days. what more could you possibly ask for? it will be may momentarily. may is the month when you have to stop fucking around. when it's actually time to start working hard, and do shit or something.

i'm waiting for phone calls that won't come. i've checked out because you did first, because i lost my shit a little bit. whatever. all i can think to myself is what the fuck ever. i'm tired of trying to think about things and i'm even more tired of trying to decipher your diluded decisions. and to think i don't even get much for it. i dont get much at all for understanding you. what's in it for me anyway?..............of course it's always easy to talk mad shit when you're typing it out. i probably dont feel half the things i just wrote, but it's fun to imagine that i might. hell maybe i do.

i am totally unmotivated to do any school work. i'm totally unmotivated, overly caffeinated and tired of bullshit.

Wed, 25 Apr 2007 19:47:41 GMT

Can’t we stop? when we stop
My hands will shake, my eyes will burn
My throat will ache, watching you turn
From me toward your friends
What I thought it was it isn’t now
What I thought it was it isn’t
Punishment to stall what is done
What I thought was in is missing out
What I thought it was it isn’t now

how often do you get that chance?

Mon, 23 Apr 2007 01:50:03 GMT

this weekend.

i'm not sure i know where to start. or how to start really. or when to start. or what to tell.

the. dance. was. fucking. awesome.

shar and i pulled this shit together and made it the raddest dance party sarah lawrence has seen this whole year. which i think was the whole point anyway. and i stood behind the table with my laptop and i played what i thought people wanted to hear, and they did in fact want to hear it, and people got crunk and dressed up and danced and it was exactly what i had hoped it would be. it was exactly what we wanted it to be. i can feel the new foundation for QVC taking form.

4/20 was also entirely ridiculous. again, i had never seen that many people in one place at this school then i saw on the lawn at midnight on 4/19. and then a huge cloud of smoke went up and i was so happy to be where i was, with the people i was with, feeling how i felt. staying true to the moment. it was unbelievable. and then we went to the bar, and it was quiet and we had too much to drink (in the good way). and a good strong cuddle ended the night.

this weekend was epic, i'm sure.

i'm trying to get shit done. like usual. always trying to get shit done. the library is finally 24 hour, starting tonight. which means i can do as many drugs as i want and stay up all night, if i feel like it. weird that it's conference time. it's almost may! no way! no fucking way! okay fine, i believe it. i can believe it. i'm believing it, and i'm living it. truth. and i have mad appointments this week, but i'll make it to all of them and it's B week so i can relax a little. and kim and i will go to the tanning salon on tuesday and it will be amazing.

i'm listening to tegan and sara, and i was relieved with our conversation the other night. it was really exactly what i needed, and i know i reiterated that but, thank you for exisiting and loving me. even if things are too hard sometimes.

there is no right or wrong with love, there is no simple way out

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 15:29:32 GMT

it's funny, i think, when you're in therapy, and your therapist says things back to you that you've known you're whole life, that have been your personal mantra for most of your emotional life. how did i slip so far from what i used to know, from what i used to be so sure of? i used to be so sure of the decisions that i made, that every act was a conscious decision on my part. but that slipped away from me, and i've hurt people, and i recognize that- but how long will that remain my reality? how long will i second guess every move that i make, for fear of hurting someone i love? i have been beaten into submission by the silent treatment and i can't know what anyone else needs if they don't say it first. i can guess, and often times i'll be right, but when someone hurts, i'm not sure how i'm supposed to guess at which way i should be holding you, when there are so many different ways to hold someone in pain.

she says i dont give myself enough credit, that people make mistakes, it doesn't mean they're not perfectly capable of being decent human beings. i'm not sure she gets what it feels like to be the guilty party.

i dont want to hurt any more or less than the next person, but she says i've already dug myself into that hole, and that pain will be just around the corner no matter the decision i choose to make right now.

i need to go back, and face what happened, and not just ignore it, she says.

she said: "i have a problem with 'shoulds' and 'shouldnts' when it comes to love, when it comes to feelings of the heart. you're in it for the long haul- you've got love and jealousy and a flight out of here, nothing will keep that from being painful. but at least all that pain signifies that you felt something, that you felt anything strong enough to hurt you."

i was drunk, too drunk, now i'm sober, too sober

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 00:29:04 GMT

i could probably seriously use a cigarette right now.

so i'm updating.

though i'm not sure who i'm updating or why they want to be updated, but i'm doing it regardless.

it is a sunday night and i should be much more productive, but i couldn't really bring myself to get out of bed today. i didn't want to. and my mom called and stressed me out and plans were broken and then changed around and then i had to break them myself again. it rained all fucking day. and i don't just mean "it rained", i mean it poured. as if the sky had been holding all that water back since i was born and today was the day that it released everything. i really liked the way it sounded. the way it continues to sound and probably the way it will sound tomorrow.

conference week is approaching and i do not have my shit together. i don't really have much of anything together. some might say.... i'm a wreck.

i'm in the library but it took me about 30 minutes of pacing around my room to figure out what exactly i needed to bring with me to the library and then i had to reason with myself as to why i should leave my room at all again. but i managed and here i am, and clearly writing in here was not on my to-do list but i'm doing it anyway. i live on the edge, didn't you know?

i have a paper due on wednesday that i have not even begun to think about and i get too much spam sent to my email address. and i've realized that i actually find it mildly offensive when gmail fails to recognize what is spam and i end up with some kind of email in my inbox related to increasing my penis size. that's offensive right? my penis size is just fine.

i think that's all the updating i can manage.